I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
