I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just blew my weed a kiss
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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