Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize