OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You ruined the universe
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
