I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
