totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
