New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
