Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
