OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
