how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
