today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize