True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize