I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
