He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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