I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize