I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
