I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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