My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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