if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
