One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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