You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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