Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
