Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
