his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
