If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
