You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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