Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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