God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
