Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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