I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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