I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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