I got chris browned last night
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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