So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
