How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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