we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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