My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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