I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
