Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
