Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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