I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
