Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
