Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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