i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I have tasted many bathrooms
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
