So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
