the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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