I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
