I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
