I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
