I just pynch a tree in the face
The best revenge is premature balding
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
