i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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