we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
