i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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