Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
