I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
