OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
