My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize