i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
