So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
