last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
