no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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